Daily Laugh

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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue Jan 15, 2019 9:08 pm

A Canadian University gave out condoms with a safe sex message stapled to them, thus rendering them unusable.
They trying to build population up there?
BaroqueAgain1
Posts: 10195
Joined: Sat Sep 14, 2013 6:16 pm

Tue Jan 15, 2019 9:53 pm

Someone at that university needs to be shown how those little latex/rubber sleeves actually work, because, clearly, whoever prepared that giveaway knows nothing aboot condoms. :oops: :lol:
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed Jan 16, 2019 12:04 am

They may have their brains frozen this time of year.
My daughter actually found that on some off the wall news site.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed Jan 23, 2019 11:58 am

The past, present and future walked into a bar.


It was tense.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed Jan 23, 2019 12:22 pm

What do you call a female horse that only wins races at nigjt?

A nightmare.
The Doctors Saint
Posts: 219
Joined: Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:35 pm

Wed Jan 23, 2019 11:47 pm

I thought I kept hearing high hat shots on a drum kit----like someone's telling "One-Liners" and sure enough :lol: So how are ya doin'?
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue Jan 29, 2019 8:20 am

2 blondes walked into a bar.
The bartender asked "Are you two sisters?".
"No", they replied, "We aren't even Catholic."
stark
Posts: 4958
Joined: Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:55 am
Location: SoCal

Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:22 pm

It’s supposed to rain Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Might even dip below 60 degrees. Pray for us in Southern California.

https://twitter.com/BH_JBalan/status/10 ... 4948658176
I've found it easier to tear up tickets at 8/1 instead of 8/5.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Thu Jan 31, 2019 12:11 am

Sounds just like Tampa. We may have hurricanes , but we don't have earthquakes.😀
stark
Posts: 4958
Joined: Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:55 am
Location: SoCal

Sun Feb 10, 2019 1:05 pm

I've found it easier to tear up tickets at 8/1 instead of 8/5.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:35 am

I've come up with a brilliant one this time....

The Seniors Touch Football League!

I have names for several teams... it can be both sexes. Canes not permitted. No walkers or wheelchairs.
First team.... the Tampa Bay Terminals!
The Los Angeles Layabouts!
The San Antonio Sunbathers!
The Las Vegas Slots! Or Biceps...

The possibilities are endless.
My daughter is sure the men with nets will be chasing me down the street any minute.... She'll give them directions on how to find me.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:03 am

I've beat that. I've even beat the vacuum cleaner.

I'm in yet another motel for another pool tournament. I just went to get toilet paper from the manager. I get to the office, touch the door, and some stark naked guy runs past me, says "excuse me" and runs up the stairs. I tell the manager. We both got a good laugh out of it and I got the toilet paper. I think the manager went looking for for what ever was going on.
As an added bonus, at least the pool player I am baby sitting managed to win his matches today. His wife came, too.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue Apr 23, 2019 8:13 am

Here's a true story.
There's an Italian seafood restaurant called Leon's in New Haven. I worked there, salads, desserts, sides. For some reason, someone had]] special ordered a 5 lb lobster. Then never showed up. Most lobsters you get at a restaurant are 1 1/4 lbs. So, we had this 3 foot long bad tempered monster beating up chefs looking for scrod or clams. He packed a wallop. Eddie, the owner, got tired of this, after it took a swing at him with an 8 inch claw and gave him a black eye. I had an apartment in the same building. Eddie told me to put on something dressy and shoved me at the elevator.
I came back down to the kitchen and was led to a table in the restaurant. I was given a table near the entrance, and Eddie marched in with this 3 foot long lobster. Now I was an ad for good lobster. It was almost as long as the table. Tasted great, too, and didn't give any more chefs a black eye.
Oh yeah, Eddie had the offending claw. 😄
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Fri May 10, 2019 11:11 am

Question.
Why do young men today buy jeans a foot shorter than their legs?
I'm guessing because they want to show off their pretty colored underwear.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sat May 11, 2019 9:57 am

Got a long one here.
Fun and games--- Tampa Traffic Style
To set the stage, St Pete and Tampa are widening and creating entrances, etc, to a tollway connecting across a bay. At one end, a freeway bypass, at the other, a 6 to 8 lane rather busy street.
They have to make the usual overpasses, some of which go over other overpasses.They need various sized uprights to sit the overpasses on.
They offload these concrete uprights in Port Tampa, because the fuel docks are where the ships carrying them fit.
So, transporting from the dock to the work site can get hairy, being as some uprights are more than 100 feet long.
Folks, we got ourselves a convoy.
2 pickups with yellow running lights an oversized load signs in front. Then, a semi tractor pulling a short bed with extra wheels on back end, some metal contraption on the bed, cradling the front of a an I beam concrete girder upright. Off in the distance, another heavy duty flatbed with extra axles holding the back end of the upright.
Then a couple more sign and light festooned pickups. Repeat 4 times.
First 90 degree corner...
First 3 in convoy do fine. Then #4 of 5 attempts to turn corner. He misses. He also manages, somehow, to miss the convenience store and sign that were inconveniently (for him) placed in the way. However, he still has to make the turn, so he has to back up.
This is at 7 AM 1/4 mile north of the main entrance to the busiest AFB in the eastern US, half an hour before roll call.
This is why I am leaning on a TPD sergeant's SUV at 7:15 AM having hysterics at the 2 mile long traffic jam in front of my kitchen window.
It takes half an hour to get that semi around the corner. The cop gave up. I brought him a cup of coffee and we are both leaning on his SUV. The convoy leader may live through this. I took him a coffee, too. I'm not sure if that truck driver will survive.
They still have to get around the busiest corner in Tampa 2 miles up the street. The cop may shoot his radio. This can be an interesting spot at this time of the morning.
BaroqueAgain1
Posts: 10195
Joined: Sat Sep 14, 2013 6:16 pm

Sat May 11, 2019 2:40 pm

You should be shooting video with your comments (and maybe of those participants willing to go on record), because IMO you have the makings of a 'Tampa Traffic Troubles' sitcom. :P :D
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sun May 12, 2019 11:51 am

The cop and I were telling each other one line traffic jam jokes. He had a million of them.
stark
Posts: 4958
Joined: Thu Oct 03, 2013 9:55 am
Location: SoCal

Wed May 15, 2019 10:37 am

I've found it easier to tear up tickets at 8/1 instead of 8/5.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed May 22, 2019 7:43 am

Something that will wake you up.
A neon green city bus stopped in front of you with pics of a couple ambulance chasing lawyers plastered on it.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 2186
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed May 29, 2019 9:11 pm

There is another convoy planned. They have been hauling the back ends of those flatbeds past me all day. Hopefully it will go by in daylight. I'm not sure if the idiots on souped up cycles will believe that all of those flashing lights are a message to let them turn corners. They don't fit under those girders well without scratching their fancy paint jobs.
The cops refer to those cycles as flying middle fingers of fate.
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